My depression only continued to get worse. After my third cry for help, I had decided that if no one else cared why should I? I finally gave up caring.
At that point, I decided that I would take the core of who I was and partition it in a deep corner of my mind and walled it up.
I figured that I wouldn’t let the depression taint and completely destroy the essence of who I was. This helped me to protect myself as I finally let the depression run rampant through my body.
I had made suicide attempts. Overdosing on a bottle of Tylenol a couple times and tried overdosing on sleeping pills. Neither of which worked or really even did anything to me. I was crushed that it wasn’t successful and I just wanted to die peacefully in my sleep.
The years following my third cry for help are hazy as I no longer cared to remember anything. Everything I did carried the taint of the depression so it only hurt me more to recall memories. I started suppressing emotions as well so that I wouldn’t feel them and no one would notice them.
Choosing to live with my step-dad
When I was about 15 years old my mom and my step-dad divorced. At the time, my girlfriend was pregnant with our daughter. I was given the choice of either staying and living with my step-dad or moving farther away and living with my mom.
Deep down inside me, I knew that if I moved and lived with my mom there were high chances that I would never finish high school. So I made the decision to stay with my step-dad and continue attending the current high school I was in.
My daughter was born
When I was 16 my daughter was born. Previous to my daughter’s birth my girlfriend, my daughter’s mother, had cheated on me twice and we had gotten back together. With the birth of my daughter, we tried being in a relationship once again. Not long after the birth of my daughter, my girlfriend cheated on me a third time and I finally realized it wasn’t going to stop. So the relationship ended for good.
Throughout the first four years of my daughter’s life, I was in and out of her life.
Living with my step-dad he had no idea how to take care of a baby and I was desperately afraid that what was wrong with me would somehow transfer to her, as ridiculous as that sounds.
I was terrified of doing something wrong and had no one around me to help give advice on raising a baby and a child.
I move back to Canada
When my daughter was around 4 years old, I had a friend that I worked with whose father had been in and out of her life during her whole life.
One day I asked her if given the choice would she rather have her dad in and out of her life or not in her life at all. She replied that she would rather have had her dad not in her life at all.
Reflecting back I should have talked to more people and given it some more thought. However, with her words, I decided that I would stay out of my daughter’s life and just support financially.
When I was about twenty years old I did a family trip with my biological dad, step-mom, brother, and step-sister to Whistler, British Columbia. During the trip, my dad and step-mom offered to move me back to Canada and help with finishing college.
I decided that it would be best to finish college, get a good job and be able to financially support my daughter. What I had no idea about at the time was that I was about to make the biggest mistake of my life concerning my daughter.
When I was 21 I moved back to Canada in the summer and was accepted into the Police Foundations course at the local college.
I lived with my parents when I moved back. They had no idea at the beginning that anything was wrong with me. After a short period of time though they started to recognize that something was wrong with me but didn’t know what.
It wasn’t long after moving back to Canada that I realized my mistake concerning my daughter and had my first major crash.
My next post will talk about the mistake I learned about my daughter and my first major crash.
Read other parts of my story:
- Life With Depression: Onset of the Depression
- Life With Depression: Second Cry for Help
- Life With Depression: Third Cry for Help
- Life With Depression: First Major Crash
- Life With Depression: The Walls Crumble