To understand my first major crash after moving back to Canada and realizing my mistake with my daughter I need to take you back in time a little bit to give some background information.
Growing Up With My Step Dad and Mom
My mom and my stepdad provided very well for me growing up. I wasn’t abused, I was given everything that I needed, and was raised quite well by them. However, in some ways, they weren’t there for me. By that I mean emotionally.
My mom was often absorbed in her own things, constantly going down different paths to find work that she could do from home and would enjoy, constantly switching from one thing to the next. She also did a lot of shopping. I can remember one of the most frustrating things was asking if I could have something and being told we didn’t have the money for it. Then the next thing I know she is out shopping for herself.
Quite often when one of her friends started doing something she would follow in their footsteps.
Don’t get me wrong she loved me and I know she was there for me but I didn’t feel a strong emotional connection to her other than frustration. I had no idea, as I mentioned in early posts in my story with depression, on how to approach her with what was going on with me.
My stepdad was a very business-like man, and he worked very hard at his job. He got promoted many times which resulted in many different moves and eventually led us to Colorado from Canada. When it came to emotions he was somewhat emotionally void or approached them in a business-like manner. I didn’t feel that I could go to him with emotions and again there was no real emotional connection.
Between the two of them, I didn’t experience an emotional connection with a feeling that I could go to them with emotional issues. I felt like I had to deal with things on my own. Often having to think like an adult much older than I was and make decisions on my own. There was no feeling of emotional support from them, just financial support.
Ok so now that we’ve talked a bit about the past and growing up with my stepdad and mom lets come back to me being back in Canada.
Realizing My Mistake With My Daughter
In my last post in this Life With Depression series: Life With Depression Moving Back To Canada I mentioned that I had decided it would be best for me to stay out of my daughter’s life instead of in and out of her life and just support her financially.
When I moved back to Canada and lived with my dad and stepmom they knew something was wrong but didn’t know yet what was going on with me. They were there for me emotionally.
I hadn’t really experienced this. They often gave me advice, even if I didn’t want it. When I was feeling down they were there for me, asking me and probing me to see if something was wrong or if there was something they could do to help me. I felt loved by them both and I could feel their concern for me.
I remember overdosing once on something, what it was I don’t remember. But I remember my dad helping me to bed. There was some discussion the next day but I don’t remember much of the discussion. What I do remember was sincere worry about what was going on with me and sincere worry and desire to help me.
Over the summer, before school started, I felt the emotional side of things that a parent should be offering to their children. Something I hadn’t really experienced before. At first, it was uncomfortable because I wasn’t sure how to receive it. After a while it felt good to know that I could go to them with a problem and talk it out, getting heartfelt advice and a sincere desire to help me.
In September just as school was starting, my parents went on vacation. At the time I was in training for work at a call center. While they were gone the mistake I had made with my daughter hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that she didn’t need me to be there to support financially.
What she really needed was for me to be there for her and with her. To laugh with her, to be a shoulder for her to cry on during hard times. To teach her about life, be there when she made mistakes and offer advice. In general just to be there to support her emotionally and guide her through life.
My First Crash
When I finally realized this it crushed me. The walls I had built to protect myself from the depression cracked from the foundations to the top and holes opened up with the depression pouring through. I could hardly contain the crushing depression that hit me.
My parents were on vacation and the only people I knew were the two trainers I had working at the call center. I was used to the American health system, where it would cost me to go into the hospital, going into the emergency department was not something you did unless absolutely required as the co-payment would be high. I didn’t know that here in Canada I could go into the emergency department and not pay anything.
Not knowing what to do, sobbing and wanting nothing but to kill myself I drove into the call center and I can remember having to walk across the call center floor sobbing to the trainer on the floor. When I approached him I told him I needed to talk to the other trainer who had done the in-class training. When I spoke with her, through my sobbing, I explained that I wanted to die, I wanted to kill myself and I didn’t know what to do.
She took me to a private room and got me on the phone with the crisis line. I spoke to the person on the other end and she was able to calm me down. The tears were still flowing but I wasn’t feeling as suicidal anymore. After the phone call, I was sent home. My walls were still in place but they had so many cracks and holes in them with the depression seeping through.
My walls holding back the majority of my depression were just waiting for that one snowflake that causes the avalanche. My walls would eventually come crashing down leading me to my second major crash and hospitalization for the first time.
In the next part of the series, I will talk about my second major crash and my first time being hospitalized due to the depression.
Follow these links to read the previous parts of Life With Depression series.
- Life With Depression: Onset of the Depression
- Life With Depression: Second Cry for Help
- Life With Depression: Third Cry for Help
- Life With Depression: Moving Back to Canada