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A Look Inside The Mind When Feeling Suicidal

I have been keeping my blog posts to once a week, however, I thought this would be a good opportunity to add to my story and help create some awareness into the life with depression and suicide.

woman with arm out and hand full of pills on the floorThe Depression Hit Hard and Suicide Became an Option

Last night my depression hit hard. I am in a constant state of depression so I get used to having it there. However, it hit harder than it has in a while and brought me to the doorstep of attempting suicide with the door wide open.

I had the desire and the ability to make an attempt at suicide and that desire was so strong that it was taking over all logical thinking. I was using every coping technique that I could think of. CBT, mindfulness with deep breathing, distraction etc. Nothing was working though.

I was laying on the couch doing everything I could to resist overdosing on my prescription medications.

Holding Off the Suicide Attempt

The things that held me back were the thoughts of the toll it would take on my parent’s health, and that God does not want me to die this way. I can remember sliding off the couch to a sitting position leaning on the couch, coming so close to overdosing.

I prayed to God for the strength to make it one more day. To be able to last until bedtime so that I could take a heavier sedative and my night medications. Hoping that with a new day things might be different.

young boy with head resting on arms thinkingConsumed in Thoughts

Every fiber of my being wanted to follow through and end my life. The thoughts running through my head were too much and seemed logical to me. There was nothing here for me, no reason for me to be alive and no purpose to my life. All I was, was a drain on society.

I was alone and beyond the point of reaching out to a friend of which I really only have one good friend. I didn’t want to burden him with what I was feeling. I know that it would just make him feel helpless as to what to do.

I held on to the thoughts of how it would affect my parent’s health and that God does not want me to die this way. That there has to be some purpose for all that I have and am experiencing and eventually God would show me that reason.

I was able to make it until close to bedtime. I drank a chamomile tea to help calm me down, took the heavier sedative and my night time medications and went to bed.

Even as I laid there in bed waiting for the medications to kick in all I could think about was getting back up and taking every last one of my pills, which I had a lot of.

Feeling Like A Burden

I felt so worthless to those around me and in life in general. I felt like a burden on my parents as they have had to help me out so much over the years. From the time that I completely crashed, was hospitalized and treatment started they have helped me out so much, financially and emotionally.

I also feel like a burden on society as I have to be on disability, unable to work steadily up until recently. Society is providing me financially through the disability and I can only work two five hour shifts a week. More than that and I end up in the hospital after only a few weeks.

This makes me feel useless and creates the thoughts that I should be able to work more hours a week.

Once the medications kicked in I finally fell asleep.

blue sky with cloudsThe Next Day

Waking up in the morning all the thoughts and emotions from the night before were still bleeding into me.

The thoughts around suicide were gone for the time being but I was still feeling very lethargic. As the day went on the suicidal thoughts and desires began to come back and threw me into a panic of what to do.

I had an appointment with a therapist which I went to and then decided to go back to my parents place so that I was not sitting at home alone all day again.

Suicidal Thoughts and Desires Return

As the time went by the suicidal thoughts and desires started getting stronger.

Even as I write this now, after taking the sedative all I can think about is wanting to die. I spend so much time isolated at home, alone. The feelings of loneliness were still there even though I was with my dad.

The pain from the depression, emotionally, was assaulting me so strongly and so deeply that I just wanted it to stop. I know deep down inside me that suicide is not the answer but with this much pain and suffering, I don’t have the strength or the energy to fight it properly after last night.

Starting to Calm Down

The sedative is helping at the moment to calm me down and take me out of the panic stages but all I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep.

The emotional pain is tearing me apart and the constant battle of fighting the suicidal temptations takes up all the energy I have.

Sleeping is my favorite thing to do. It is the only time that I can find peace. I have to work tomorrow morning, an early shift, and I fear that I will wake up and still be dealing with these thoughts and emotions.

Putting Up a Fake Personality

Putting up a fake personality of being happy and that everything is ok takes a lot of energy. Energy that is needed to fight the depression, the thoughts and the emotions. I’ve been doing it for so long that it is just an automatic thing once I am around people.

The Desire for Death

The desire to die is so deeply rooted in me that it feels like it is a part of my core being. That I am trying to take aim in my life and death is the target. It consumes me like it consumes so many other people who suffer from depression.

The questions of why should I continue living? What point is there in me being here? Other than family, will I really be missed? Will I be alone the rest of my life? Is this a never ending pain and suffering that I have to endure every day?

Thoughts like these and more are what we think about during our depression. I know I am not alone in these thoughts that these thoughts are common among people who live with depression.

I know that I am not alone in the struggle against suicide. The depression is easy to hide, you can see a person laughing and smiling while at the same time thinking about how they are going to commit suicide that night. It is the silent killer.

I was in a panic to get home, my comfort zone. However, it is kind of double-edged as I will then be isolated and the thoughts and feelings could possibly come on stronger. Not to mention that home is directly related to feeling depressed. Being at home so much and being depressed every day links home to depression.

I know that as you read this everything may seem to be jumbled and that’s what it’s like inside your head when you are depressed. One thought leads to another and everything is out of control with nothing making much sense other than the pain you feel and the thought that you can end it all and have relief from the pain and suffering.

You can find my Life With Depression series through these links

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Richard Bailey

I have suffered from severe chronic depression for just over two decades. I have gone through many treatments and all medications that the Dr.'s I work with have available to them but have been treatment resistant. I hope to help people and inform people on mental health and wellness through this blog.

10 Comments

  1. I don’t know what CBT means but I suspect there are lots of similar techniques out there. I have found Byron’s technique helpful. I don’t use them in the same way that Byron recommends. If I find myself making negative statements about my situation I tend to use the turnaround to come to a positive statement either about myself or the situation. It just feels better inside when I can turn my negative statements around. I have learned that feeling good feels good. 🙂 There are times when some techniques don’t work. Sometimes self-care through rest and diet can be the best medicine. It is always good to have lots of tools in the tool box. It would appear that you are well aware of this.

    • CBT stands for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. The turnaround follows one of the techniques of CBT which in a longer process is looking at the negative thought, writing down evidence that supports the negative thought and then eveidence that doesn’t support the thought. You will, in most cases, come up with evidence that does not support the thought. You then come up with a positive thought that supports the evidence against the negative thought. This in turn will help with how you feel and behave as you are likely to feel better and behave in a more positive way.

      Yeah I have been through a lot, and have a strong medical team. Over the years I have collected a large tool box to use when things get especially rough. Like you said sometimes they do sometimes they don’t. Or some coping techniques work for some situations better than others.

  2. Byron’s work can be found on the internet. She has a worksheet called, “The Work”. She also has a technique called, “Turnarounds” – a helpful way to turn thoughts around. I discovered her method when reading a book called The Joy Diet, by Martha Beck. ( Martha’s writings are also helpful.) I like that Byron is honest about her depression – says that her technique helped her turn things around – says she has not looked back. When I was younger I experienced periods of depression. I am aware that it can be a process to move out of it. I think the writings of Byron Katie and Martha Beck are some of the best writings to help with this process. I also believe very strongly in the power of yoga – not just the postures but the 8 limbs of yoga. ( The power of mindfulness, breath awareness, meditation… ) Yoga postures are a foundation for breath awareness and mindfulness. I hope this information is of some assistance.

    • Awesome I will have to look up her work. The “Turnarounds” sounds like CBT work.

  3. The work of Byron Katie is well worth reading. When she was in her 40’s she was in a very dark place and found a way to get out of this through an interesting method of self inquiry.

    • Is it in one specific book or throughout a series of books? What Book/s does she go over the method of self-inquiry?

  4. I do not even know you but my heart aches for you. I battle with thoughts of suicide a lot and I can totally relate to this. I feel like a burden as well a lot of the time. Just need to take things one day at a time and hang in there and enjoy the ride. I have wanted to give up so many times but I am so glad I decided to stay.

    • I am glad to hear that you didn’t give up. It’s not a nice place to be in and definitely isn’t easy. You are so right that you have to take it one day at a time. I have found mindfulness to be so useful to me, taking my mind away from the past and the future. The deep breathing and just staying in the moment helps. I try to keep taking the more sedative meds I have to a minimum. I hate using them but know when it’s needed. I am slowly learning that there is a lot to be enjoyed.

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