A Look Inside The Mind When Feeling Suicidal
I have been keeping my blog posts to once a week, however, I thought this would be a good opportunity to add to my story and help create some awareness into the life with depression and suicide.
The Depression Hit Hard and Suicide Became an Option
Last night my depression hit hard. I am in a constant state of depression so I get used to having it there. However, it hit harder than it has in a while and brought me to the doorstep of attempting suicide with the door wide open.
I had the desire and the ability to make an attempt at suicide and that desire was so strong that it was taking over all logical thinking. I was using every coping technique that I could think of. CBT, mindfulness with deep breathing, distraction etc. Nothing was working though.
I was laying on the couch doing everything I could to resist overdosing on my prescription medications.
Holding Off the Suicide Attempt
The things that held me back were the thoughts of the toll it would take on my parent’s health, and that God does not want me to die this way. I can remember sliding off the couch to a sitting position leaning on the couch, coming so close to overdosing.
I prayed to God for the strength to make it one more day. To be able to last until bedtime so that I could take a heavier sedative and my night medications. Hoping that with a new day things might be different.
Consumed in Thoughts
Every fiber of my being wanted to follow through and end my life. The thoughts running through my head were too much and seemed logical to me. There was nothing here for me, no reason for me to be alive and no purpose to my life. All I was, was a drain on society.
I was alone and beyond the point of reaching out to a friend of which I really only have one good friend. I didn’t want to burden him with what I was feeling. I know that it would just make him feel helpless as to what to do.
I held on to the thoughts of how it would affect my parent’s health and that God does not want me to die this way. That there has to be some purpose for all that I have and am experiencing and eventually God would show me that reason.
I was able to make it until close to bedtime. I drank a chamomile tea to help calm me down, took the heavier sedative and my night time medications and went to bed.
Even as I laid there in bed waiting for the medications to kick in all I could think about was getting back up and taking every last one of my pills, which I had a lot of.
Feeling Like A Burden
I felt so worthless to those around me and in life in general. I felt like a burden on my parents as they have had to help me out so much over the years. From the time that I completely crashed, was hospitalized and treatment started they have helped me out so much, financially and emotionally.
I also feel like a burden on society as I have to be on disability, unable to work steadily up until recently. Society is providing me financially through the disability and I can only work two five hour shifts a week. More than that and I end up in the hospital after only a few weeks.
This makes me feel useless and creates the thoughts that I should be able to work more hours a week.
Once the medications kicked in I finally fell asleep.
The Next Day
Waking up in the morning all the thoughts and emotions from the night before were still bleeding into me.
The thoughts around suicide were gone for the time being but I was still feeling very lethargic. As the day went on the suicidal thoughts and desires began to come back and threw me into a panic of what to do.
I had an appointment with a therapist which I went to and then decided to go back to my parents place so that I was not sitting at home alone all day again.
Suicidal Thoughts and Desires Return
As the time went by the suicidal thoughts and desires started getting stronger.
Even as I write this now, after taking the sedative all I can think about is wanting to die. I spend so much time isolated at home, alone. The feelings of loneliness were still there even though I was with my dad.
The pain from the depression, emotionally, was assaulting me so strongly and so deeply that I just wanted it to stop. I know deep down inside me that suicide is not the answer but with this much pain and suffering, I don’t have the strength or the energy to fight it properly after last night.
Starting to Calm Down
The sedative is helping at the moment to calm me down and take me out of the panic stages but all I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep.
The emotional pain is tearing me apart and the constant battle of fighting the suicidal temptations takes up all the energy I have.
Sleeping is my favorite thing to do. It is the only time that I can find peace. I have to work tomorrow morning, an early shift, and I fear that I will wake up and still be dealing with these thoughts and emotions.
Putting Up a Fake Personality
Putting up a fake personality of being happy and that everything is ok takes a lot of energy. Energy that is needed to fight the depression, the thoughts and the emotions. I’ve been doing it for so long that it is just an automatic thing once I am around people.
The Desire for Death
The desire to die is so deeply rooted in me that it feels like it is a part of my core being. That I am trying to take aim in my life and death is the target. It consumes me like it consumes so many other people who suffer from depression.
The questions of why should I continue living? What point is there in me being here? Other than family, will I really be missed? Will I be alone the rest of my life? Is this a never ending pain and suffering that I have to endure every day?
Thoughts like these and more are what we think about during our depression. I know I am not alone in these thoughts that these thoughts are common among people who live with depression.
I know that I am not alone in the struggle against suicide. The depression is easy to hide, you can see a person laughing and smiling while at the same time thinking about how they are going to commit suicide that night. It is the silent killer.
I was in a panic to get home, my comfort zone. However, it is kind of double-edged as I will then be isolated and the thoughts and feelings could possibly come on stronger. Not to mention that home is directly related to feeling depressed. Being at home so much and being depressed every day links home to depression.
I know that as you read this everything may seem to be jumbled and that’s what it’s like inside your head when you are depressed. One thought leads to another and everything is out of control with nothing making much sense other than the pain you feel and the thought that you can end it all and have relief from the pain and suffering.
You can find my Life With Depression series through these links